The Definitive Midterm Voter Guide: Where the Parties Stand on 13 Key Issues
Election Day is next Tuesday. Most normal Americans have better things to do than follow politics obsessively, so we've prepared a helpful guide explaining where the major parties stand on the issues that matter most. Republicans: All things considered, they're not that high. It would be nice if they were lower, but have you considered not complaining so much? We'll give you $5,000 if we win. In the meantime, Vladimir Putin has offered to help. Democrats: People are making money off this new technology. That can't be good! We don't really have a position beyond pandering to data center panic, but we know an 85-year-old socialist with some exciting ideas about putting the bureaucrats who brought you HealthCare.gov in charge of everything. What's the worst that could happen? 3) The Cheesecake Factory Republicans: You're going to have to pry the Avocado Eggrolls (with Tamarind-Cashew…